Polar Bear Adventures (Museum of Hoaxes)

“Oh, Lenny, I don’t think we should be doing this!”

“Cindy, I’ve had just about enough of your complaining. Just sit back and relax and enjoy yourself. That’s why we are here, anyway.”

“Oh, but Lenny, when I said I wanted a change of scene, I didn’t mean one this drastic!”

It had begun a few weeks earlier. The winter had been a long one, and it hadn’t helped my seasonal affective disorder. I was tired of seeing snow everywhere, and I was tired of the location my husband Lenny had chosen for us to live. I needed a change. I started by hinting that maybe we should move. When Lenny brought home the fish for dinner, I would ask him how far away his fishing hole was. I tried to get him to complain as usual about how far he had to go in order to get some decent food. He did complain, but he did nothing about it. So later I told him I wished we lived closer to his fishing hole so we could spend more quality time together. He gave me a strange look and went back to eating his fish. I figured it was a lost cause and gave up while praying for spring to come.

One Saturday, Lenny asked if I would like to go on a trip with him. Without hesitation I enthusiastically agreed, and we woke our son Gus to come with us. Lenny led the way, of course. We soon came to a road, and although I knew the danger, I kept following Lenny just to get away from where we had been. However, when I saw a small town in the distance, I became more nervous. “Lenny, there’s a town over there!”

“I know.”

“But Lenny, there are people there!”

“I know.”

“Lenny, I don’t think we should do this.”

“Quiet, Cindy, I know what I’m doing.”

So we continued and to my horror we were going straight for the town. I protested every few minutes, but Lenny kept telling me he had a plan. We came closer and closer to the town until we could see houses. Lenny turned down a street with houses on both sides. He picked one, seemingly at random, and plopped down on the driveway. He turned over on his back and sat in a relaxed pose while I paced and tried to reason with him.

“Lenny, what is your plan, anyway?”

“We are on a trip, remember? We’ll stay here for some much needed rest and relaxation.”

I thought of the fishing hole hints from before and asked him, “But what shall we do about food?”

“I’ve got everything covered, relax! At night when everyone is asleep we will go in the house and grab some food. Then we’ll go a few houses down the next night.”

“But that is stealing! We are being a bad example for Gus!” I pointed at Gus and Lenny followed my finger. I chose the wrong excuse for Gus was frolicking in the snow of the front yard having the time of his life playing with a tame wolf.

“Gus is learning how to act around other animals. Now if you will excuse me, I would like to get some REST!”

Lenny rolled over so his back was facing me, and I continued to pace. The long walk and the pacing caught up to me and I grew drowsy as well, so I got down on the ground. I must have fallen asleep because the next thing I remember was a man with a shotgun pointed at my face. He was yelling some gibberish at me, but I understood he didn’t like us being there.

“Lenny, Lenny, wake up! There’s a man with a shotgun!” I gave Lenny a shake and he woke with a start.

“Cindy, Gus, follow me!” he yelled as he ran as fast as he could in his still drowsy state.

“Where are we going?”

“I should never have chosen a house with a shoveled driveway! The owners are obviously at home. We’re going to keep going until we see a driveway with several day’s snow on it.”